November 16th, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

The Author – Tailgate Fever Managing Director, CEO, COO, CIO, CFO, and other important acronyms that start with C. Ran for Governor in 2001 on a platform of opening ABC Stores in Blacksburg on Sundays when there is a BCA Classic in town. Quit a high paying job so he could focus on getting Tech into the ACC. Hates cats and the letter Y.

Jaquays – A fan favorite. Women throw themselves at him. His feelings are often hurt when they only love him for his looks. Jaquays and The Author once became so disgusted with the D-word’s performance in the 1994 Virginia game that they asked two hot UVA girls sitting behind them if they could cheer with them. Later threw his belt off the top of the stadium because it was “tainted by the loss.” Once purchased five Va. Tech hats in one day. Informed saleswoman that he only has one head and is not sure what he will do with the other four hats. She laughed. The entire band is his archenemy. This stems from an incident when a tuba player refused to smuggle a half-gallon of bourbon into the game for him. Now refers to the band as “organized dorks.” Jaquays still has four years of eligibility remaining and regularly tries out for punter. Plans to name his first-born son Rib-B-Q Jaquays after his favorite sandwich. Favorite word: tremendous. Owner of the Fleece Blankie. Enjoys quiet nights at home, long walks, and playing with his fire truck.

Fear Jaquays – Jaquays’ alter ego. Annually petitions the Athletic Department to have the West Side yell “FEAR” and the East Side “JAQUAYS.” If you run into Fear in the stadium, run for your life.

The Provost – Runs the university from behind a giant curtain just like the Wizard of Oz. Lives at an undisclosed location in Charlottesville, VA. Had an anxiety attack while asleep after a loss to Syracuse. Is allergic to eggs, but, somehow, can still eat chicken.

O’Connell - Has been featured on ESPN eleven times. Wears a Maroon jersey to home games and a White jersey to road games just in case Beamer needs to put him in. Single-handedly kept Blacksburg out of a recession by purchasing over $11,000 of Tech apparel in 2002.

The Guru – Football omniscient.

George – Lives in a teepee. President and CEO of George’s Igloos, Inc. Claims to have 13 favorite teams. Owns one Saints football.

Notorious T.R.E. – Lord of the Tailgate. Hip-hop recording star.

Uga – The Official Mascot of Tailgate Fever. Once threw up on his own shoes. No longer allowed to bring tequila to the tailgate.

Tall Rob – 9′ 4″ and still growing.

Mark Dennis – The very first subscriber.

Stephens – Known for his motto: only suckers work on Friday.

Robyak – Has the best seat in Lane Stadium….behind the visiting punter. Mixer of the world’s greatest Bloody Mary. Not even Goldschlager can persuade him to reveal the recipe.
Suggsy – About the damn best looking dog ever born.  O’Connell’s best friend.  Petitioning the NCAA to ban all canine mascots because they are offensive to his people.  Is in love with a giant red pillow.  Has challenged Uga to eating contest….winner-take-all as Official Mascot of Tailgate Fever.

GV – Invented the Internet.  Has rigged up a computer powered by two hamsters to run this site.

Buddha – Rub the buddha.

Old Man Softy - Used to be a hardcore fan.  Created “one shot for every Grant Noel interception” rule.  We still don’t remember much of 2002.  Unfortunately, a 2006 visit to UNC resulted in an unnatural obsession with club level seating and warm chocolate chip cookies.  Is now soft.

D - Making us millions using only an abacus and two sticks of Trident.

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