April 19th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

What is the point of all this?
The Hokie Update and TailgateFever.com serve three purposes and three purposes only. (1) To entertain you. Football + laughter + booze = happiness. (2) To get you fired up and encourage you to go to the game. There was actually a time when people didn’t go to Tech football games. What a travesty! Watching SportsCenter and reading about football on the Internet are great ways to occupy you during the week, but there is no substitute for Lane Stadium on Saturday. Accept no alternatives. (3) To occasionally provide you with some useful information. That’s it. Don’t take it too seriously; we don’t. You are the fans who love college football. You think pro football is nice, but not as much fun. When you are throwing football with your friends you pretend you’re Michael Vick, but you are smart enough to use your inside voice. When you consume bourbon, you have no clue about inside voice. You get more excited when your boyfriend buys you orange and maroon CVS earrings than expensive gifts. You love contending for the national championship, but you understand why the Independence Bowl was more fun than the Sugar Bowl. You are having fun this season, and you will have fun next season. Even if we go 2-8-1. You understand that a football game is an event, but a tailgate is an experience. You are the point of all this. The column is for you. Enjoy.

I’m going to a tailgate this weekend. What should I drink?
Bourbon and coke is THE tailgate drink of choice. To make the perfect bourbon and coke, grab a red Solo cup and load with ice. Fill the cup halfway with your favorite bourbon (any bourbon you like is fine, but it should not be of lower quality than Jim Beam, unless, of course, you are an undergrad; if you are an undergrad, fill red Solo cup with cheapest bourbon you can find, probably Aristocrat or Old Crow). Top off with coke. Carbonated drinks should mix themselves but you might want to pour back and forth from cup to cup just to make sure. This half and half mixture will give you a perfect not-too-weak-not-too-strong-just-right flavor. If you cannot taste bourbon in your drink you’ve done it all wrong. This is whiskey, friends, not vodka.

(Side note: Many of you will argue that the fine flavor of Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey should not be corrupted by the sugary goo known as Coca-Cola. You’re right, especially if you are drinking good bourbon. But exceptions can and should be made for tailgates. You will need the caffeine to keep going after the game, and even we don’t want bourbon and water at 10AM.)

I don’t like bourbon. I’m a big sissy. What should I do?
This serious problem afflicts many well-intentioned tailgaters. You must think carefully about this – your only mixing options in the stadium are Coke, Sprite, and hot chocolate. We suggest flavored vodka. You’ve already admitted you are a big sissy, so this should be your kind of drink. Are you sure you didn’t go to UVA? Stoli-O is an ideal solution. Bring some orange juice to the tailgate and you can make 007s (Stoli-O, Orange, and 7UP). The rest of your girlie orange-flavored vodka can be mixed with Sprite in the stadium for an average drink. Raspberry vodka is a decent choice, too. Be sure to at least sit with bourbon drinkers so you can take in the full aromatic flavor of a college football game.

Where did the Hokie Update come from?
The Hokie Update began in the fall of 1995 as an email entitled Top Ten Things To Watch For In Tonight’s Boston College Game. We had just come off the successful Gator Bowl campaign the year before and there was great hype amongst the Hokie faithful. I was so disturbed by our season opening loss to BC, that I wrote a scathing email to Mark Dennis about the game. That email has since been lost. Mark lived in Florida and had limited access to Tech info as most games were only broadcast on radio or local TV. So, I updated Mark and seven other original subscribers of the Hokies’ progress throughout the season. The column continued in email form, and as the Hokies met with more success on the field, many more readers were mysteriously contacting us to report they were forwarded the column. The email format continued with several hundred people receiving the update each week until the website was launched in 1999. With our run to the national championship that year, readership soared. Last year over 78,000 people visited the site. For the 2005 season, we introduced the new and improved Tailgate Fever v3.1 with increased content and flavor crystals.

My roommate went to Syracuse. I really dislike the Orangemen. Do you know any good nicknames for their team?
Disliking Syracuse is your God-given right as a Virginia Tech Hokie. They ruined our season in 1994, 1996, 1998, 2001, and 2002. The Carrier Dome is Dr. Evil’s Secret Lair, and their mascot, Otto the Orangeman, is down right ridiculous. He’s just a big giant round ball of orange. Here are some suggestions:

Big Round Piece of Orange Cloth
Big Fluffy Orange Thing
Big Orange Piece of Indoor/Outdoor Carpet
Orange Fuzzballs
Orange Hawkweed
Fighting Pumpkins
Orange Pieces of Lint
Orange Julius
Otto the Giant Orange Stuffed Hamster

Hope this helps. The best thing about joining the ACC is never ever again playing in that goddamn dome.

Who is this Jaquays character?
You would be amazed how many times we get this question. Jaquays is a fan favorite of our ensemble cast. He enjoys quiet nights at home, long walks, and playing with his fire truck. He is very angry at the band, owns the Fleece Blankie, and with four years of eligibility remaining, hopes to handle kickoffs one day. He believes that he could kick the ball off his red Solo cup without spilling. Jaquays is French Canadian for “complete and utter jackass.” Jaquays is one of our best cheerers, but when things are desperate we turn to his alter ego, Fear Jaquays. Read more about Jaquays in About Us.

How many times has Tech gone undefeated?
Tech has gone undefeated only once. In 1954, the Hokies finished 8-0-1 and ranked 16th in the country. The only blemish was a 7-7 tie with William & Mary at Homecoming, establishing a long-standing tradition of playing poorly at Homecoming against crappy opponents (see Miami of Ohio and Temple). Unfortunately, 47 other teams have also gone undefeated including Wyoming and VMI. Believe it or not, Rutgers has gone undefeated twice.

Did George really rank his favorite 117 Division I-A teams?
Yes, as ridiculous as it sounds, it’s true.

When are fireworks acceptable at Lane Stadium?
As far as we know, fireworks were first introduced at Lane Stadium for the 1999 Miami game. That was OK, but the firework frenzy that took place the following season was ridiculous. These fireworks were making us look like a I-AA team (just like the orange jersey/maroon pants combo). If they want explosions so badly, why don’t they just fire the damn cannon? Fireworks should be used on only four occasions. (1) Following a national championship. (2) To celebrate a conference championship. (3) Upon concluding an undefeated regular season. (4) Following a victory at home, on national television, at night, over a Top 10 opponent. Fireworks should definitely NOT be used to celebrate each and every touchdown scored against an overmatched West Virginia team.

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