What is a Hokie?

August 24th, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments
The HokieBird is an ass-kicking chicken. Actually he’s a turkey, but that’s not the point. The University would have you believe that “Hokie” is a word made up in 1896 by O. M. Stull in a winning entry in the school’s contest for a new cheer. A closer look at the historical record reveals the startling truth that this is a poorly concocted lie created to hide a much larger conspiracy from the student body. University records reveal that in 1896, senior cadet O. M. Stull reported what would be the first of numerous sightings of a giant cartoonish bird in the mountains of southwest Virginia. Stull’s commanding officer in the Corps of Cadets dismissed the report as “hokey” (a fashionable term at the turn of the century), and the giant bird soon became known as the HokieBird. Like his friends Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster, the HokieBird is simultaneously¬†feared and adored by most humans. The sightings all report him to be a bird of great strength, great looks, and great intelligence. He has written extensively on chaos theory, nanotechnology, and the worthlessness of the Designated Hitter rule. He leaps tall buildings in a single bound, benches 405 pounds (77 reps against Akron), and has dated Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller,¬†and Jessica Simpson. He has won three Nobel Peace Prizes, two Congressional Medals of Honor, and a partridge in a pear tree. He is part mascot, part super hero, and he will kick your ass.
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